Where Did the "Five Stages" Come From?

Most people have heard of the five stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. Originally developed from observations of terminally ill patients, these stages were never intended to be a rigid roadmap for the bereaved. Yet they became widely adopted as if they were a predictable sequence everyone should move through.

Modern grief research tells a more nuanced story, and understanding that story can relieve enormous pressure from people who feel they are "grieving wrong."

What Grief Actually Looks Like

Grief is not linear. It does not follow a schedule. Common experiences include:

  • Waves of intense emotion that can strike unexpectedly, even months or years after a loss
  • Physical symptoms — fatigue, changes in appetite, chest tightness, difficulty concentrating
  • Feeling fine one day and devastated the next
  • Guilt about moments of laughter or happiness
  • Difficulty with tasks that previously felt routine

All of these experiences are normal. There is no correct timeline for grief, and comparisons with how others have handled loss are rarely helpful.

Different Frameworks That May Help

Several alternative models of grief have emerged that many bereaved people find more useful:

The Dual Process Model

Developed by researchers Stroebe and Schut, this model describes grief as oscillating between two orientations: loss-orientation (focusing on the grief itself) and restoration-orientation (adapting to life changes the loss has caused). Moving between these two is healthy and natural.

Continuing Bonds Theory

Rather than "moving on," this approach acknowledges that maintaining an ongoing internal relationship with someone who has died is a healthy part of grieving for many people. This might look like speaking to a photo, continuing traditions, or feeling the presence of the person in meaningful places.

The Tasks of Mourning

William Worden's model describes four tasks: accepting the reality of the loss, working through the pain of grief, adjusting to a world without the person, and finding an enduring connection while embarking on a new life. Unlike stages, tasks can be revisited as needed.

When to Seek Professional Support

While most grief resolves with time, social support, and self-compassion, some people experience what clinicians call prolonged grief disorder — an extended, impairing form of grief that interferes significantly with daily functioning. Signs that professional support may be helpful include:

  • Persistent inability to accept the reality of the death after many months
  • Intense longing that does not lessen over time
  • Withdrawing from all social connection
  • Thoughts of self-harm or suicide

Grief counsellors, therapists, and support groups — including those offered through hospices and faith communities — can provide meaningful help. Reaching out is a sign of strength, not weakness.

A Note for Those Supporting the Bereaved

If someone you love is grieving, the most valuable thing you can offer is presence without pressure. Avoid timelines ("You should be feeling better by now"), comparisons, or silver linings. Simply saying "I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere" carries more weight than most people realise.